this has got to stop for the sake of my sanity i need to stop making excuses for myself

IS WRONG WITH ME AHWRI3WA5O34OI WHY AM I ALWAYS SO INSECURE

i feel like i'm fading away

i had so much to write but now that i'm here... i really don't know what to write.

maybe i'll start off with how people have always told me to relax and enjoy life, and i actually took that advice- but i took it too far. that's the thing with me; i can never seem to achieve that perfect harmony between work and play. when i'm immersed in my work, usually academics, i get obssessed. i cut down on sleep, food, everything else. and when i play, i take that too far also.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

i mean...in retrospect, i could see all the goddamn things that went wrong with my uni applications. it's not a pretty thought, and the memories still haunt. but what the fuck? how did i manage to take for granted possibly one of the most important chapter of my life? how did i manage to fuck up college?

i don't usually do EVERY goddamn thing right, but i usually get it right when it matters. this time i screwed up. big time. and the saddest part about this is that the only thing i can do about it is talk it out, write it down and whine all i want but still somehow know that redemption is unlikely. it's far off, beyond the horizon.

what am i to do?

i've embraced .. or at least started to embrace the college that is berkeley but what-if's still linger in my mind; up down right left- they're everywhere. and i have a strong nagging feeling that they're there to stay...for a very long time.

i mean i probably have to have the WORST sense of timing, no? to screw up when it matters most and do it right when it doesn't?

what the fuck is wrong with me? fuck this.

if i want to transfer, it's going to take a WHOLE lot of trouble, trouble that FAR exceeds what i experienced the first time i applied. i KNOW that.

and i KNOW my chances. not only in admission but in aid. i mean if i DO make it, what the hell am i going to do with my sponsor? drop it and refund a hundred thousand ringgit? the only reason why i took up this scholarship in the first goddamned place is so i can rest knowing that my entire tertiary education is well taken care of. my parents don't care where the fuck i go they just want me to get a fucking certificate so that i can put my ass down on a comfortable office chair and bring in the dough. how the fuck am i supposed to rely on them? no education funds, no nothing. what the fuck were they thinking when they conceived me? that this kid is going to local university and work in a local bank at the most? why the fuck didn't they have any expectations for me?

i am so angry and i can't do NUTS about it. all these people don't exactly regard my pitiful state in any sympathy. all they care about are the ones who succeeded. i can't SHOW that i'm angry and frustrated because that only diminishes whatever image thay have of me in their minds. so i bottle all of this in and THEN what happens? i end up being SO unhappy with my life.

when was the last time i was even genuinely happy?

sigh. God i really need guidance here. point me in the right direction, please?

i've..been doing a lot of thinking.

i guess i have no right to blame other people for where im standing right now. i don't. as far as i'm concerned, i messed this up on my own. and that is my fault. purely.

i think..deep inside, i'm still that insecure 14 year old. trying to make sense of a new environment, trying to grapple with the challenges of adolescence. but all in all, i failed to measure up. it is what it is. and there's no saying why this or why that. it happened. deal with it. that's all i can do really.

i never in my life thought i'd be standing where i am today. i don't usually win all the battles, but like a lot of my friends, i usually win the war. this time i didn't win the war. and i lost with only one man left standing. myself.

it's not something to be proud of, i admit. but what is there to do somemore? cry? grieve? cry again? sure lot of good that did me.

so what if i take longer to study than other people. i admit i'm not the most intelligent person on earth. but at least i try. i try to compensate. and i still get as far as the one who is intellectually superior would.

i'm tired of thinking this over. it's been one year. get over it. stop. get on with life. look forward to COLLEGE.

that's exactly what i'm going to do. look forward to america. after all, that's where ive always wanted to go right?

close this chapter, nellie. close it.

I miss you so much.

I'm sorry to tell you, that your ultimate plans in life will be unmade, and that you will fail upon expectations.

And I'm even more sorry to tell you that it happened as a direct consequence of your actions.

How I wish I could have a time machine, buttons I can press, codes I can enter; how I wish I could warn you that your bane would be insecurity. How I wish.

I wonder when you stopped being honest to yourself. Was it last year? Was it last last year? Was it the moment you put down your pen after the Accounts paper? When was it? Why did you lose yourself?

You were insecure, yes. You knew you had an identity crisis, yes. You were still experiencing the ups and the downs, yes. But at least you were still honest to yourself. You wrote whatever you felt. You said whatever you thought. You were still you; the nerd, the SJAM advocate, the slightly apathetic but still hardworking librarian.

You lost yourself.

And now you've failed yourself, completely.

I feel so..drawn out. I feel tired. I feel like ending it all. What's the point? After all of that nonsense you went through, trying to prove yourself to people who will always think that you'll never measure up, and then ultimately failing? Tell me- what the hell is the point now, now that you've become the very person you struggled so hard not to morph into?

You were always trying so hard to do everything right, and that's why you stayed afloat....up till this year. Last year, you tried so hard to do everything wrong. You played when you should've worked. You made friends with people you normally wouldn't give two hoots about. You said things you normally wouldn't have. And at the end of it all, you looked back and didn't recognize what you were seeing.

Who was that girl? Who was that girl with curly hair? Who was that girl alongside the fat bumbling idiot who cannot stop raving about food? Who was that girl who plays frisbee? Why was she bitching about girls? Why was she raving about guys when she normally doesn't care? Why was she out in McD's at 2 am in the morning? Why was she so carefree and complacent about her applications? How come she only studied three days before her major SAT exams? How come she didn't start studying or preparing much earlier before deadlines? Who was that?

Oh, Nellie. You brought this onto yourself. You did.

As much as I would like to go back and warn you, and scream at you, I cannot. All I can do now is regret and look forward.

Nellie, you do know better. Nellie, you are better. You can be that person you always wanted to be.

Successful. Smart. Together. Inspiring. Down-to-earth.

You just have to believe, and be honest about yourself, about everything around you. You don't have to be someone people want you to be; you just have to be the person you want to be. Yourself.

There is no going back. What's done is done, it cannot be undone. I know you have it in you. Prove yourself to those fuckheads. They don't know the first thing about you. They don't know you like I've seen you. They don't see what I see.

Go out there, and prove the world wrong, Nellie. You can do it. I've seen you done it before, triumphing over obstacles, upsetting the competition, living up to expectations and more.

You're perfect the way you are. Change if you must, but only if it's for the better.

With all the love in the world,
18 year old Nellie, from 2009.

kulitpisang.blogdrive.com has officially moved.

decipher this:

moc.sserpdrow.sleepananab\:ptth

i gotta get a new web host. and a new blog. this one is way ancient. geez.

back from the airport, my parents were making up friendly chat with the cabbie. you know how the conversations go; they talk about everything and anything under the sun. His ringtone sang miow everytime his phone rang. And halfway through the convo they were talking about corruption.

It's like a mandatory thing if you wanna make up chat with cabbies. You gotta talk a little politics, cause they love talking about that. Cabbie was saying something like, beri sikit pun complain, tapi kalau beri lebih complain jugak.

In the plane there was a magazine in the little pocket at the back of the seat. It was the Air Asia's inaugural issue I think; Tony Fernandes was saying something about it, can't remember exactly cause I was too restless from five six hours into flight. And then my dad started off his little speech about MAS always being too expensive and beaming with pride as he told me how Fernandes expanded Air Asia in six years as if it were his.

And then I ignored and read Fernandes' little note in the magazine myself; he then talked to my mom.

and then there was something my dad said that pertained to the little topic of corruption and come to think of it that's two times corruption talk in one day. He said that at one point the who and who of MAS were claimed to be getting spare parts from a particular company, receiving the invoices and whatnot. And then suddenly one day investigation revealed that company never existed.

So where money go? pocket lah.

You know in gold coast there were police roaming the streets every night. They walked on the streets and made sure everything was in order. Even the building looked sophisticated, I swore I thought it was an office building, before I realized it was the police station.   

Anyway I'm really tired.

Am I going to make myself happy?

Or am I going to let the bad energy get to me?

Well, it is December, and slumber parties can do that much to lift your spirits =)

I think I'll go with the former. Christmas is the time to be jolly ;p I think it's going to be one hell of a holiday; can feel it in my bones *whistles*